Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Express Service II

Every now & then dumb backward easily-fooled yokel Mine Host is telephoned by a certain sophisticated smart suave hip savvy Credit Card company.

This credit card company uses high pressure sales techniques and suggestive terminology to pull the wool over the eyes of dumb easily fooled backwoods Hick McGullible Yokelman Mine Host.

The calls always come from the credit card company's call centre in the Philippines and go exactly like this:
"Hello Sirrrrr, this is Mariel from Amerrrican Express business services, I see that remittances to you from Amerrrican Express have been declining"

"Very observant of you Mariel, to notice that"

"Sirrr, Yourrrr business is declining..."

"No, my business is not declining, just that less money is being put through your credit card"

"..... Hmmm.... Sirrrr... I am here to help you, that is what Amerrrican Express is all about ([choke, splutter]) do you have signage outside yourrrrr business announcing that you accept Amerrrican Express?"

"No signage outside"

"Ah, well Sirrrrr, if you had signage displayed outside yourrrr business you would not be missing out on all that Amerrrican Express custom.  Passing cardholders would see signage, and bring theirrr custom to yourrrr business"

"No, I get the customers regardless.  This is a hotel, it is expected that we accept all major credit cards"

"..... I see Sirrrrr.... do you have signage at the point of sale?  So that people know they may use Amerrrican Express"

"No, no, and no.  Most of my customers are account customers, & pay direct into my bank when I send their monthly bill.   Those who do pay by card on checkout usually ask which cards I accept, then riffle through a tight packed card folder & get out a card.  They barely notice which card it is"

"..... Sirrrrr, are you saying that people are carrying more than one brand of credit card?"

(Where do they get 'em from?)

"Yes Mariel, I am saying that, just-about-every-person-on-this-planet does.  Usually if anybody is concerned about the card, they ask which has the lowest credit card surcharge"

(Now we're getting to the heart of the matter)

"Sirrrr, do you charge the same fee for Amerrrican Express as you do for other cards, say Master or Visa?"

"No I do not charge the same fee, I charge double for American Express, because your fee is double"

"...... (pause)...... Sirrrr, if you reduce your surcharge for Amerrrican Express to the same rate as other cards, there would be more payments made via Amerrrican Express."

"Undoubtedly, but I'm not going to reduce my surcharge for your card, I get the payment regardless, just via a more friendly card."

"....Sirrrr... you would increase your business through Amerrrican Express if you did reduce to the same rate as other cards"

"Reducing the fee is easily done, when you reduce your fee, I'll reduce mine.  Simple"

(This technique must work on some dupes, as they really push it hard)

.... (Dialogue now repeats the above 4 lines for several minutes).....

So continues life behind the front desk.

No comments: