Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Express Service II

Every now & then dumb backward easily-fooled yokel Mine Host is telephoned by a certain (unnamed) sophisticated smart suave hip saavy Credit Card company.

This (unnamed) credit card company uses high pressure sales techniques and suggestive terminology to pull the wool over the eyes of dumb easily fooled backwooks Hick McGullible Yokelman Mine Host.

The calls always come from the (unnamed) credit card company's call centre in the Phillipines and go exactly like this:
"Hello Sirrrrr, this is Mariel from (unnamed) express business services, I see that remittances to you from (unnamed) express have been declining"

"Very observant of you Mariel, to notice that"

"Sirrr, Yourrrr business is declining..."

"No business is not declining, just that less business is put onto (unnamed) express credit cards"

"..... Hmmm.... Sirrrr... I am here to help you, that is what (unnamed) express is all about ([choke, splutter]) do you have signage outside yourrrrr business announcing that you accept (unnamed) express?"

"No signage outside"

"Ah, well Sirrrrr, if you had signage displayed outside yourrrr business you would not be missing out on all that (unnamed) express custom.  Passing cardholders would see signage, and bring theirrr custom to yourrrr business"

"No, I get the customers regardless.  This is a hotel, it is expected that we accept all major credit cards"

"..... I see Sirrrrr.... do you have signage at the place where they pay?  So that people know they may use (unnamed) express"

"No, no, and no.  Most of my customers are account customers, & pay direct into my bank when I send their monthly bill.   Those who do pay by card on checkout usually ask which cards I accept, then riffle through a tight packed card folder & get out a card.  They barely notice which card it is"

"..... Sirrrrr, are you saying that people are carrying more than one brand of credit card?"

(Where do they get 'em from?)

"Yes, as does just-about-every-person-on-this-planet.  Usually if anybody is concerned about the card, they ask which has the lowest credit card surcharge"

(Now we're getting to the heart of the matter)

"Sirrrr, do you charge the same fee for (unnamed) express as you do for other cards, say Master or Visa?"

"No I do not charge the same fee, I charge double for your card, because your fee is double"

"...... (pause)...... Sirrrr, if you reduce your surcharge for (unnamed) express to the same rate as other cards, there would be more payments made via (unnamed) express."

"Undoubtedly, but I'm not going to reduce my surcharge for your card, and I get the payments anyway, just via a more palatable card"

"....Sirrrr... you would increase your business through (unnamed) express if you did reduce to the same rate as other cards"

"Me reducing the fee is easily done, when you reduce your fee, I'll reduce mine.  Simple"

(This technique must work on some dupes, as they really push it hard)

.... (Dialogue now repeats the above 4 lines for several minutes).....

So continues life behind the front desk.

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