Saturday, January 18, 2014

Melbourne - Boganville

Mine Host survived a recent foray into the land of the Philistines:

Scene: Streetfront Coffee Shop in Melbourne CBD
Cast:  Mine Host
          Super hot ethnic lady owner   (of breeding age)

Hot babe coffee shop owner:  *indeterminate grunt*  accompanied by a lovely smile.
English language translation:  "What'll you have love?"
Mine Host:       "Cup of coffee please"
Shop owner:     "How do you want it?"
Mine Host:       "Long black please"
Shop owner:    (grabs jug and commences frothing milk)
Shop owner:    (still frothing a jug of milk - but with a slight frown)
                         "What did you say you'll have?"
Mine Host:       "Laaaawng black please"  (actual pronuncation in Mine Host's native accent)
Shop owner:    (curtly putting down the milk jug)
                          "Well, there's no need then for me to be frothing milk then, is there?"

This happened every time Mine Host ordered coffee in Melbourne.

The supposedly sophisticated coffee culture of Melbourne does not exist.
They drink it with milk.


Casual readers of lifestyle sections in major newspapers, or watchers of the odd bit of fluff-TV, are given the impression that way down in the deep south of this great nation, in the city of Melbourne there is a sophisticated, modern, developed coffee culture.
In fact this is one of the best con-jobs pulled on a population since the Ozzi people were told Australian wine is the best in the world.

For coffee shop baristas reach for a jug of milk & be halfway through frothing it before it dawns on them that they have a customer who has actually ordered black coffee, every last order must be for coffee with milk poured into it.


Never again will Mine Host allow anybody to get away with using the words "Melbourne" and "sophisticated culture" in the same sentence.



Anonymous said...

In Holland when you ask for a milky coffee they say "koffie verkeerd". Literally "wrong coffee".

Cheers. TNA.

They know a lot those kaas clops.

Anonymous said...

Further to your (let's face it) rant:
Most of the 'Barristers' (sic) down here devoutly believe that the only difference between a Cafe Latte and a Cup-of-Chino is the vigorous sprinkling of choccy over everything in a four-foot radius.
Then again, perhaps I'm underestimating them, and they've all collectively cottoned on to the fiendishly clever plot to sell unaware Bogans cups of warm air at ten bucks a pop.
Maybe give that one a run in the Pub with your (guessing) Bulimba Gold Top and let us know how you get on.

von der Neeth

Mine Host said...

"Bulimba Gold Top" Had to google for that. Never heard of it before.

The chocolate sprinkling is apparently a German thing. So I'm told anyway, the purist Italians shrug & "blame the Germans" for it.

Anonymous said...

Hehehe, yeah... Must admit that I'm more Smart Arse than just pure Smart; so it was friend Google that dug up the Bulimba gem.
I think the Italians blame the Germans for quite a few things, but being uniquely talented (they managed to lose the same war TWICE) one supposes they've earnt the right.
But the point that I staggered adroitly around previously was the propensity to be sold a receptacle chockers with unexpected and unwanted bubbles. I imagine folk up your way might consider it grounds for a good solid roundhouse glassing if their beer was more than two-thirds head, and I view coffee the same way. (It's waaaaaay too cold down here for beer, usually.) Problem for me is those tiny thick muglike cup things generally just bounce off and leave you with nothing more satisfying than (another) life ban. Anyway, that's another story.
The chocolate thing I neither condone nor defend on any beverage, by-the-by.