Mine Host survived a recent foray into the land of the Philistines:
Scene: Streetfront Coffee Shop in Melbourne CBD
Cast: Mine Host
Super hot ethnic lady owner (of breeding age)
Hot babe coffee shop owner: *indeterminate grunt* accompanied by a lovely smile.
English language translation: "What'll you have love?"
Mine Host: "Cup of coffee please"
Shop owner: "How do you want it?"
Mine Host: "Long black please"
Shop owner: (grabs jug and commences frothing milk)
Shop owner: (still frothing a jug of milk - but with a slight frown)
"What did you say you'll have?"
Mine Host: "Laaaawng black please" (actual pronuncation in Mine Host's native accent)
Shop owner: (curtly putting down the milk jug)
"Well, there's no need then for me to be frothing milk then, is there?"
This happened every time Mine Host ordered coffee in Melbourne.
The supposedly sophisticated coffee culture of Melbourne does not exist.
They drink it with milk.
Casual readers of lifestyle sections in major newspapers, or watchers of the odd bit of fluff-TV, are given the impression that way down in the deep south of this great nation, in the city of Melbourne there is a sophisticated, modern, developed coffee culture.
In fact this is one of the best con-jobs pulled on a population since the Ozzi people were told Australian wine is the best in the world.
For coffee shop baristas reach for a jug of milk & be halfway through frothing it before it dawns on them that they have a customer who has actually ordered black coffee, every last order must be for coffee with milk poured into it.
Never again will Mine Host allow anybody to get away with using the words "Melbourne" and "sophisticated culture" in the same sentence.