Should have paid attention in school



Having lived all his young life in a state where pornography was illegal (including Playboy magazine) and where a "rude picture" was unobtainable, Mine Host has little grasp of the concept of what it is like for the current generation of young fellers, who thanks to the invention of the internet, have free and ready access to far more than "rude pictures" that are so tame they'd not be out of place on the front cover of Vogue magazine.

However, as some Wayside Tavern staff are able to attest, access to "rude stuff" via the internet isn't as easy as one may assume......

....... a couple of the kitchen staff, aged well into their Twenties, decided - as you do - to surf for some "really good stuff" of a genre they'd not seen before.

Then their search hit a dead end.

It transpires one is able to readily access infinite amounts of unbelievably explicit video-clips or images, all you've to do is type what you seek into a search engine.

After several minutes of trying all sorts of combinations into Google, disheartened and disappointed, they gave up.

While wondering just how many possible combinations there can be to the simple 4-letter word (or should have been 4 letters) they were endeavouring to search for, Mine Host is of the belief that they'd have done better had they dropped the double-"n" from "annal" (and every other combination thereof).


So continues life when you're dealing with the produce of the modern western education system!

Photographic Discrimination

Due to the Wayside Tavern being in an extremely remote location, Mine Host requests all job applicants include in their application a photograph of their "hospitality face".

 

In evidence that a goodly portion of the population is incredibly stupid, this request is more often than not assumed to mean that Mine Host is hiring based upon looks, rather than upon merit.

 

A near daily event is a snarky no-correspondence-will-be-entered-in-to email from yet another job site, closing Mine Host's job ad.

These your-advertisement-is-deleted emails all say the same thing:

"Your advertisement breached our guidelines for posting ads,"

"Your ad asked job seekers for a photograph, this is illegal/inappropriate/whatever."

 

No it isn't.  There is no law preventing an employer asking for a photograph through a job ad.  (A couple of the stupider Human Rights Commissions in some states publish "guidelines" saying that employers "should not" ask for a photograph)

 

However, there is no law against it.

Nor is asking for a photograph prohibited by the terms and conditions of most job websites. (Mine Host has become adept at reading those "terms & conditions")

 

This does not prevent moronic 22-year old web administrators with no-life-experience from closing down Mine Host's advertisements, regardless of how carefully worded the request is.

 

Words have meanings.  The phrase "hospitality face" means just that.  It is not another way of saying "only beautiful people need apply"

An extremely handsome or attractive person may have the most inhospitable of faces.

 

Some examples below of people who could be considered attractive, but whose resume, on the basis of their sour look, would be binned by Mine Host:



 
 
 
 
 Below this are some photos of people who may not be considered the most attractive, but who all are showing a fantastic "hospitality face"


 









 
 

Anyone notice the difference?

If you do, you're ahead of most people Mine Host speaks with.  The concept seems to be too difficult for some to grasp.

So continues life as a misunderstood employer in a land full of dimwits who, incredibly, are allowed to vote.

Never Seen One of These Before

Encountering as an adult, something we've never before imagined existed, is quite an experience.

Things that you never imagined - such as the time changing arbitrarily by an hour.  (Yes, some places in the world actually do this - a most surreal event to be present for).

And then sometimes you encounter an implement that you've never even seen used, but it can't be that difficult - surely?

Mine Host encountered this when once when the boss instructed him to use a pitchfork and move some hay.

Pitchforks are objects that appear in Little Golden Books, and nowhere else.
Actually using one is nowhere near as easy as it looks.
It's like fixing 4 x knitting needles 10cm apart, then with the resulting contraption trying to pick up a pile of drinking straws.

But pitchforks are a unique implement, used only in labour intensive farming enterprises.  It is to be expected that outsiders may be unfamiliar with them, and may take some time to attain basic proficiency.

However some implements are universal.  Or so you'd think.

Mop & Bucket, for example.

On the Wayside Tavern staff was an eager 22 year old Zimbabwen citizen.  He had speed, energy, enthusiasm, and if called in to work unexpectedly, would arrive within 20 seconds, still dressing himself as he ran down the stairs.

This particular day Mine Host had occasion to ask the lad to mop up a liquid spill.  It started well.  Young Mr. Zimbabwe dashed to the laundry, returning at a trot with a mop & bucket.

.... then it all came apart...  He had no idea how to use them.  Yes, he'd seen mops & buckets, but had not the faintest clue what to do with them.

... Turned out he had no idea how to use a broom either.  He didn't even know which way up to hold a broom, or anything else about it.  Keen though he was.

From this starting point, instructing someone on the use of a broom, is not all that easy.

The mop & bucket took quite a bit longer.

So goes life in the pub trade.

Office Work

Scene:  The Wayside Tavern office.
Time:   2:00 a.m.
Cast:  Mine Host,
          One female staff.
Costumes:  Mine Host in usual office wear (polo shirt and elastic shorts)
                   Female staffer in nightie (not a slip-on, but a button-up)

Action: Female staff enters the office, pointedly closes the door, managing to undo a button or two in the process.  Proceeds to the desk, where Mine Host is seated and rather than sit opposite, sits to one side, with no furniture or other objects between her and Mine Host.

It is quite obvious she is wearing nothing beneath her nightie.

"Good morning Miranda, how may I help you?"
"I just came to talk to you"
"What do you want to talk about?"
"Nothing in particular, just that we should do more.... talking... (purr... purr)"  (wriggles a little on her chair)

"Hmm, okay, please go and open the door."
"I'd rather... talk with the door closed (purr... purr)"
"Miranda, open the door. Now"
"But I want to... talk.. to you"  (pout)
"Miranda, it is two o'clock in the morning, you are dressed borderline indecently, I am busy, this is a working office. So...Open-the-door-right-now!"

She stands, re-opens the office door, managing to do up all buttons in the process.
She then returns not to her seat, but to one on the opposite side of the desk, chats inanely for about a minute and a half, then leaves.

Late for work = Early check out.

7 a.m.  -  Two girls do not report for work in the Laundry.
9 a.m.  -  Two girls vacate their room, under close supervision.

They and their meagre possessions land on the street.  Their room key and uniforms are already returned, they've been refused breakfast in the staff mess, and are now pondering what to do next.  It is one week to Christmas, they are 10,000 miles from home, they've no money, and nowhere to go.

Their choice.  Refuse to work, and you will be refused staff perks.

I only did what you Told Me To!

A line Chef has similarities to a production line worker.  They will perform one task in a line, that alone will not make a meal, but contributes merely a part of it, put together finally by the Senior Chef on Duty.

(There are some...er.... issues surrounding Chef performance - being as most at the Wayside Tavern have come from countries where labour is cheap.)

One particular morning the Exec Chef details Chef to unpack a freshly delivered pallet of foodstuffs,  store it ".....then get back to watching your grill plate, mate."

Some many minutes after completing the unpacking line Chef is observed by Exec Chef to have not done another stitch of work.

Furthermore line Chef is observed to have adopted a most strange stance............ resembling that of a diligent watchdog.

..........He's.... (would you believe it?) ...."watching" the grill plate.  Standing there...... doing nothing but..... gaze at it.

So continues life under the big tall white stovepipe Chef's hat!

Nobody Tells Him to Wear Pants

A chef is detected chronically failing to wash his hands.

By the Health Inspector.  Who brings this to the attention of the Exec Chef.

The culprit, whose finely tuned radar has detected that he may have just brought some serious boss heat down on himself, is summoned to the office for a "no-coffee" discussion.

This sub-continental's reason for not washing his hands, ever?

"It's not my fault, you've never run a training course on washing hands, so how would I know what to do?"  (Oh brother....)

Mine Host (already clicking the computer screen through to hireachef.com or somesuch) enquires somewhat acidly of this goose when did he last attend a training course that showed how to put your pants on?

This was too oblique, or too deep, for the sub-continental.  The response was a blank stare.

Mine Host followed up with a supplementary question as to when had been the most recent training course that showed how to get food into your mouth?

This at least brought a quizzical grunt of incomprehension.

Mine Host then delivered his final line of the interview;
"Well, you do manage to eat food don't you?"  

Not Connected

You would think that "everybody" has a mobile phone these days, correct?

Well, "everybody" apart from homeless, weirdos, great-grandparents (fuddy-duddy types) and farmers from places where there isn't mobile phone coverage, correct?

Normal people in bog-standard western economies (ie Australia) all have mobile phones, correct?

Think Again:

Five of the Wayside Tavern staff do not have a mobile phone.  Weirdos?  Drug-addled loonies?  People on the run?

Nope!

A married man in his forties,  A married woman in her thirties, and three single ladies.

Each of them is as normal and well adjusted as can be.  They've just never ever had a mobile phone.

The married man is a most suave and interesting chap, has spent most of his life overseas or working on cruise ships, mostly as a senior clerical officer/manager.

The married woman is a former law student now married to a tradesmen who is on a long-term contract in the district.

One of the single girls is a chemo nurse in her mid-thirties, very slim, very attractive and intriguing,  having a break from her career, spending a year working in "the general economy".

Another is a very attractive and interesting girl in her mid-twenties, working to accumulate a grubstake.

The other is a super-duper attractive twenty year old girl with a most infectious smile, who makes an adventure of everything.  She's already been all around the world.

And none of them have a home phone or landline either.

The Boss is Wrong!

"Any boss who sacks anyone for not turning up today is a bum."
 BOB HAWKE, after the historic victory of the yacht Australia II in the 1983 America's Cup.

Such a statement would be unthinkable today.
When Australian Prime Minister Bob Hawke said this, in memorable circumstances, just plain old not coming to work was grounds for dismissal.

Times have changed markedly.  A boss who sacks anyone for not turning up would today be entering a dual world of legal pain and financial penalty.

Think I'm joking?  Just try it and see!

Someone once did not turn up for work at the Wayside Tavern.
Three weeks later Mine Host informed them they were not welcome back.  That only came about as the person actually turned up for work (after three weeks would you believe) as if nothing had happened.

Mine Host then entered a world of financial and legal pain, one in which due process was absent, and his "guilt" was taken for granted by the (cough) impartial system and (cough) unbiased commissioners.

Hearing the above phrase of the (then) Prime Minister quoted, as it is from time to time, is a "trigger phrase" for Mine Host.   Though it is unlikely there will ever be retribution or atonement for the wrongs perpetrated in the name of "unfair dismissal" legislation, in his more maudlin (or perhaps more realistic) moments, Mine Host dreams of someone carrying out the brutal thrashing of an ALP politician.

In the circumstances, such an event would be most deserved.

Full Employment Economy

Believe the current polls/reports/whatever that suggest unemployment is on the increase in Australia?
Consider this:

The Wayside Tavern advertises a skilled job (on one of Australia's leading job bulletin sites).
The job ad, including the headline, clearly states the location as:

Beyond the Black Stump, Queensland.

There are a mere Three (3) responses:

The first applicant was well qualified and oh so very suitable, but upon discovering the job is not in Melbourne, flatly refused the position.

Mine Host is unable to comment on the other two applicants, as neither of them answered their phone.  Well not for 14 days - which is when Mine Host gave up trying their numbers.

Why not a Thousand?

Perusing the newspapers (as one does) the eye was caught by yet another of those articles expounding on the evils of the restaurant industry, and how restaurants/cafes are underpaying staff, blah blah blah.

The article was accompanied by the usual photo of an indignant looking former employee standing with arms folded in front of an allegedly offending premises.

Knowing the complexity of the industrial awards, and that most restaurant operators have a choice:...

• Run the restaurant, or
• Devote themself full time to interpreting and applying the award.

..Mine Host is of the belief that were the industrial awards simplified, there would be much less confusion.

Try this one for size:

The payscale section of the industrial award  or instrument (not my terminology) that applies to the Wayside Tavern has 962 pay rates, yes Nine-Hundred-and-Sixty-Two.


(First published by Mine Host in comments at Prick With a Fork.)

Did he really want the job?

An application for an executive level job progresses through the following stages:

• Emailed application from the applicant, including resume & cover letter.
• Return email & brief email exchange.
• A few telephone calls from Mine Host to applicant.
• Skype call.
• Face-to-face interview.

For an interview with a particular candidate, Mine Host travelled 1700km.  A not particularly long distance in the scheme of selecting key staff.

The candidate was bordering on 60 years of age. An ideal age for executive level applicants.

The candidate brought his sister into the interview.

Oh boy!

You want me to serve THAT?

This happens from time to time, happened again today:

 

Fresh bar staff on the payroll.

Is either new to bar work, or new to the sharp end of the bar trade.

 

Induction goes well, lots of enthusiasm, doesn't have to be told anything twice, actually understands why we do some things (as opposed to doing it "because the boss says so")

 

Then when presented with a real live blue collar customer, in a public bar, she spins around and barks indignantly:

 

"You want me to serve that....?"


 Crikey we lose some promising staff that way.

Video Evidence

After a few months on the payroll at the Wayside Tavern, Gertrude Frump presented with a medical certificate, saying she had sustained a back injury at work, and would be unfit for any duties until such time as the second coming occurred.

In her claim she made much of the "injury" that happened to her "at work", and of how she could now barely bend over, was unable to perform even basic household tasks, blah blah blah.

Workcover phoned to:
1/. Request paperwork on her rate of pay, etc.
2/. Request any other information regarding the "injury".

Mine Host assured Workcover he'd forward payroll details, and mentioned that the claim was bogus.....
..... the security camera footage of the hours and days subsequent to the "injury" did not show any sign of a back injury.
...... she was shown for the several hours after the "injury" leaping about like a young gazelle, handling heavy loads, etc. until her shift ended.
......a few days later she helped carry an entire lounge suite up the back stairs of the Wayside Tavern.  This took more than an hour, and was heavy lifting the entire time.

Thus Mine Host offered to make copies of all this damning CCTV evidence, and forward it to Workcover.

The young lady from Workcover said guardedly that they "like to see these sort of things", as it was of invaluable assistance in uncovering bogus claims.

Several CDs containing 6 hours of very damning video files were posted to Workcover.

Several days later, having heard nothing from Workcover, and with curiosity consuming him, Mine Host telephoned the young lady.

The Workcover inspector lady at first had no recollection of who Mine Host was, or to what he was referring.

When it became clear that Mine Host was not going to be put off, and was wanting to know what Workcover inspectors thought of the video footage, she remembered the case, and the video files.

In a heated and antagonistic tone of voice she curtly barked at Mine Host:

"That video supports her claim!"


**********************

Gertrude Frump, due to being "unable to perform even the simplest household tasks, because of her work injury", was on full worker's compensation for 6 months.

During that time she left her husband of 20 years, spending the 6 months living in a house shared by several single tradesmen.  She did all the housekeeping and cooking for them in return for a free room, bed with whichever housemate she chose, and payment in cash.

Commercial Awareness

There are some things to not do at a job interview.

Some examples:

• Wear sunglasses pushed up on top of the head.
• Dress casually.
• Overtly display necklaces/gold chains.
• Say stupid things.

Recently an applicant for a senior role remarked in conversation that were he as "rich" as Gina Rinehart, he'd use the money for "good" instead of being "greedy and wanting more".

This automatically vetoed his job application.

That Reason: It demonstrates lack of commercial awareness.

The Wayside Tavern is a commercial enterprise.

The Wayside Tavern is self funding.

The very minute the Wayside Tavern stops making a profit, it ceases to exist.

The very minute the Wayside Tavern stops making a profit, every member of the staff loses their job.

Thinking of money as something to give away, is fine for someone on the dole, in the armed forces, in the church, etc., but not in a commerical business!

Almost every business in the land (almost certainly this includes Gina Rinehart) is mortgaged or otherwise beholden to lenders.

If a business is valued at (say) ten million dollars, it does not mean the owner has the option of converting it all into $10,000,000 in banknotes tomorrow morning, putting it under a mattress, and spending it on beer, snacks, dancing girls or perhaps giving $10,000,000 to the needy.

A business is a treadmill, demanding inordinate amounts of the owner's time, without regard to a social calendar.

A business valued at (say) ten million dollars has two options:

Stop trading, in which case there'll be not much left after the fire sale, and the owner will quite likely have to get a job.

Pursue profit, in the hope of keeping one's head above water (financially).

This latter is a constant battle.

In a key role, in a commerical enterprise, there is no room for someone who is not commercially aware!

Heck, this bloke probably believes that all that money in the cash register in Grace Bros. is "pure profit - cash in hand, not bad work if you can get it?"

How to Withdraw a Job Application

On the phone to a shortlisted applicant for an executive level position, Mine Host apologises for being a couple of days returning the call. He offers one of the most well-used cover stories there is: "I've been a bit tied up with a few contracts".
Translation: "I don't have to explain myself to you, and I won't be"

"Are you some sort of Gina Rinehart type?" asks the applicant.

Mine Host laughingly states that there are "many differences" between him & the minerals magnate Gina Rinehart.

The candidate then kills their application:

"Glad to hear you're different to her. I just don't understand her greed. If I had that much money, I'd be using it to help people, rather than being greedy with it!"

That did it, Mine Host is many things, however he is not silly enough to let someone with such a mindset to get anywhere near his rice bowl.

How can anyone with that attitude expect to be hired for a job that requires them to do some actual thinking?

UPDATE: There have been a few emails from distant acquaintances, (who it should be noted, aren't in executive level positions) expressing puzzlement at "what is wrong" with the above statement by the job candidate.

For the information of those who are fortunate enough to have not faced the bailiff, the receiver, or had a "no coffee no biscuit" interview with the bank, and thus perhaps have not had economic reality enforced on them, tomorrow's post shall bring enlightenment!

Just Where is he from...?.....!!!!!

Scene: Wayside Tavern Office
Time: Very late at night (11pm+)
Cast:
Mine Host
DJ
2nd Chef (arrived 5 mins ago on the bus - first time he's been out of the big smoke in his life!)

Action:
Mine Host & newly arrived 2nd Chef are engaged in quiet small talk.
DJ appears at the doorway that leads to his office.

DJ: "I'm putting the kettle on, anybody want a cuppa?, I'm having coffee"
Mine Host: "Yair, I'll have a cuppa please."

(then comes the line that he will never live down, that has us still talking a year later, and gets a rollicking laugh from everybody we tell it to.):

2nd Chef: "I'll have a latte please...."


Hmmm.............. his horizons have certainly been very narrow!

Reference Check

Mine Host's preferred industry association has a partnership with a recruiting company.

This firm phones one day to conduct a reference check on a former employee, as they have a client with a position vacant that matches this former employee's qualifications & experience.

Mine Host gives very accurate answers to the questions he is asked. This is not well received, as the answers are rather negative. (The former employee left under the... ah... most questionable of circumstances)

Mine Host emphatically does not recommend the employee, and states that under no circumstances whatsoever would he re-hire the employee.

The recruiter stops there... pauses..... then says:

"This isn't a very good reference, I'm going to have to keep calling more people on the list until I finally get a positive reference, as we have to place this person in that job!"


Mine Host makes a note to never use that firm to fill any vacancies. Ever.

Simple Directive

In the office with the Manager, for a stern interview, Mine Host starts the conversation in as offhand a manner as he can.

There is only one point of discussion, the major item. The matter of the manager's daughter being shacked up in the presidential suite with a boyfriend, both of them eating their heads off at Mine Host's expense. None of it paid for.

The subject is not addressed head on, for Mine Host is crafty.

Mine Host has noted that one other staff member is permanently housed in guest accommodation, as are other staff temporarily, from time to time.

Mine Host issues a directive that "All guest rooms are to be made available for the use of paying guests. It matters not if a guest does not check into that room and the room lies vacant for a whole year. The purpose of guest accommodation is to house paying guests, and that is the business we are in."

Rather than carry out this directive, the manager chose to summarily resign their position.

This was somewhat unexpected.

Mine Host stated that if this was the manager's considered position, then all he could do was give the manager as long a notice period as they wished.

The manager announced that they would work out one month's notice.

Stand by for the next, and most unusual, development.......

Sick Leave

Young fellow who works in the Wayside Tavern's driveway would like to have Wednesday off work.

Not on your nelly! There will be trucks to unload & several pallets to unpack, and he's told that he'd better be there!

He says that he'd really like it off, as he's having "a procedure" the evening before, and won't be feeling all that well on Wednesday.

Can't he have the procedure another day? When work won't be affected? (Wednesday is always a day of much activity in the driveway.) He'll think about that, but is excited about the "procedure" and can't wait for it.

Come Wednesday he doesn't front for work.

Thursday he turns up, & we discover the exact nature of the "procedure" he underwent.

He'd had a fully-coloured-in tattoo inked onto his entire back. His back from kidneys to shoulders was a scabbed mess. Now we know what ailed him so.

This is not reasonable grounds for leaving his workmates to carry the load for him on a busy day.

He was lucky his boss didn't clout him! (That still may happen, the driveway boss is a big man, & very intolerant of indolent youth)

He actually expected sympathy, or something.